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Roxanna Fielding

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051 [02 Aug 2020|01:17am]
"This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond."

-Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi

050 [13 May 2020|10:27pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

So what do you do when you're sitting around, feeling morose because your brother went off to live with his harem?

You embrace the name of your blog, and, well...bang a drum.

But my heart beats loud as thunder
For the things that I believe
Sometimes I wanna run for cover
Sometimes I wanna scream

OOC: Application [02 Feb 2020|06:34am]
[ mood | tired ]

Bang a drum for the promise, bang a drum for the lies )

049 [23 Aug 2017|11:10pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I can't believe it's been over four months since my parents died. It feels like it was just yesterday, and at the same time, it feels like the days have dragged. I've found myself picking up my phone multiple times, to text them or call and tell them about my day. I did, once or twice. It always comes back as undelivered, or I'd get that 'this number is out of service' message. Which would always set me off.

I'm tired. Grief feels like a thousand pound weight around my neck. I have to deal with every day for the rest of my life, all because some fucking asshole thought it'd be fine to get behind the wheel after getting drunk. My life gets ripped apart, and he gets to go on living. It should have been him. No. Yes. I don't-

It's not fair.

048 [16 Apr 2017|01:43am]
[ mood | numb ]

Took this picture as we were getting packed up to leave. It's perfect, it matches my mood.

Snipped for size )

As predicted, I completely broke down during the eulogy. I had actually written out things to say, there were stories and memories, and I think even a joke. But I couldn't do it. I looked at the crowd, and the flowers, and the pictures, and I suddenly couldn't breathe. Someone had to help me outside so I could collect myself, I don't even remember who it was. I was told later that Jamie read the rest of my speech. "It needed to be said," was all he would say.

I fucking love him, I swear.

The meetings I had a couple days ago went OK. The house is expected to sell quickly, since it's big and fairly new. I was sole beneficiary on their life insurance policies, and there were some other things to be dealt with as well. But hey, at least I don't ever have to worry about my tuition.

If that sounded flippant or cold, it's because I'm trying to distract myself with mundane things, to try and ignore the aching in my chest. My head constantly pounds from the crying and sniffling. I would not have survived the last week without all the people who came with me. Words cannot express how grateful I am.

047 [12 Apr 2017|12:08am]
[ mood | numb ]

[Away from evil things (and also Hermes)]
So I'm 22 tomorrow. I'm normally pretty lax about my birthdays, but now I couldn't give less of a fuck if I tried.

There were too many of us who came to Seattle for us to stay in the house, so we're holed up in a hotel. Jamie's sacked out in the other bed, and I don't blame him. It has to be exhausting, I know it has been for me.

We're having a joint service for them, it's on Friday, and I am really not prepared. The pastor of their church asked me if I wanted to give the eulogy, and I'm going to try, but I might break down crying five minutes in. We'll see.

I have meetings tomorrow with a real estate agent and my parent's financial adviser, because gods know nothing can ever be wrapped up quickly or neatly.

I cry myself to sleep, and I wake up sobbing or thrashing or both. I'm still finding it hard to accept the fact that this is reality.

046 [26 Mar 2017|02:43am]
[ mood | amused ]

[Jayden, David, Phantasos & Jamie]
So Jamie came home in a good mood, and that warmed the cockles of my black heart. He told me what happened, and I'll try to keep the overexcited jokes to a minimum, Phantasos. No promises.

Honestly, I think I have a cavity now, you ridiculously sweet goofballs.

045 [27 Jan 2017|10:50pm]
[ mood | sick ]

I have the flu. This is less than delightful.

Jamie's started wearing a surgical mask and dousing everything I touch with Lysol. I know it's because he just got over it himself (yeah asshole, I have your flu. THANKS FOR THAT.) and doesn't want to get sick again, but having your own personal shadow that smells like chemicals is annoying.

But in the meantime, I'm just sleeping and drinking water by the gallon. My head feels like I used it for one of my drums, and I'm stuffed up all to hell. I am a hot mess. (Literally. I have a fever.)

Ugh, this needs to go away soon.

044 [25 Dec 2016|11:43pm]
[ mood | flirty ]

[Texted to Patroclus]
Snipped for size )

[Texted to Jamie]
We still have to find you a shirt to wear with those jeans I got you. Eyeliner and pomade, y/n/m?

043 [08 Nov 2016|04:07am]
[ mood | sad ]

Hey. Jamie's having kind of a shitty time right now, so if you're free, maybe you could come over? He needs all the support he can get right now.

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